We are pleased to announce Dave Shirley as the winner of our 2016 Matlock Top Ten “event report” competition. Dave wins a free 2017 D&W sportive entry for his completely ‘wacky’ report – keep taking the medication Dave!
“Having entered the Matlock Top Ten Event by mistake (thought it said Top Tea, just wanted a brew), our adventure started in the car park where we excitedly avoided getting shouted at by the wealthy landowner. Once we had re-parked and changed into our ridiculous Lycra, the nice Marshall skilfully signed our timing cards without laughing, and sent us to our doom.
The route was excellent, spoiled only by the route, the hills, those ruddy cyclists jumping green lights and blocking up the gutters / cycle paths, and the EU, obviously. Luckily we soon began to forget these major shortcomings, and indulge in some lovely two wheeled self harm. Having set off early at 9.40 (oops, awkward!!!), we attacked ourselves up bonsal cob, got dropped (by ourselves) and reformed into a solid climbing excuse machine. This tactic of ‘what ifs’ carried us pitifully to Bank road, where we had our very own banking collapse. Having Brexited the big ring after the first kilometre, the only way to deal with this crisis was to dig deep. Into the book of excuses.
Luckily I am a master of marginal blames, so I think a bad experience I had on a tricycle at Cleethorpes when I was six cost me the KOM on this segment. As well as my marriage. But I’m so over it now, and as we passed riders expertly pushing their Pinarello Dogmas up the Riber climb (more cleats, vicar?), I could finally realise why they filmed ‘dead man walking’ there.
We finished the ordeal in a very forgettable 2 hours and 37 mins, motivated by the smell of cake and sense of shame. At the end we got a bronze award ( for looks), a gold award (for village idiocy), and memories that will last a lifetime, only to be later diagnosed as post traumatic stress disorder.
This was my second MTT, as well as second Peak Epic and B.O.B. These events are excellent throughout, and are the only moments of clarity in my otherwise delusional existence. Thank You!! See you next year for more cycling comedy
Dave Shirley (clearly not here for the cycling)”